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29. Today I turn 29 years old and in my head it was going to be the best birthday ever because we’d be a new family of four and I’d have my 2 beautiful girls with me. I don’t want to be sad today. When you go through something traumatic you really do realise who your true friends are and I’ve been overwhelmed with the amount of support from so many lovely people that I haven’t even met in person. From bringing me magazines and books in hospital, to sending me beautiful keepsakes for Emmie, to looking after Elara and just reaching out with a simple I’m here for you. In this photo I have tagged all the people I want to say a huge thank you to for being there for me. Your kind words and support mean more to me than you will ever know ❤️
Elara ❤️ I honestly do not think I’d be here on this Earth right now if it wasn’t for this happy monkey! Elara is holding me together, she really is but I’m hyper conscious of her not seeing that. For Elara, mummy went into hospital to have baby sister in the middle of the night when she was sleeping. Woke without mummy or daddy and then spent almost a month away from mummy. When I first came home from hospital Elara was scared of me and I would sob and sob and sob every single day when she wasn’t there. Elara has taken everything in her stride and she knows that little Emmie is the brightest star in the sky. She still asks to hold Emmie occasionally and kiss her and asks where she is. It’s so heartbreaking telling her again and again that Emmie died. I wish more than anything that we could have brought Emmie home. Elara would be,and is, a fantastic big sister; I want to give them both the world ❤️ Emmie you are so loved. If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever ❤️
Emmie ❤️ What I would give to have one more moment like this. This was my first time doing skin to skin with Emmie. She is 5 days old here, and every second waiting for this moment was worth it. I was in an incredible amount of pain but as soon as Emmie was placed on me I couldn’t feel a thing. The oxytocin was flowing and I just felt so much love for my little bean! Look at how perfect she is! Look at that tiny nose 🥰 I will treasure these photos forever! My beautiful Emmie Faye ❤️
Life continues. . As much as I want to pause and wallow and grieve my beautiful Emmie, nothing can stop life continuing. It just my breaks my heart waking up every morning without her. Watching the days turn into weeks turn into months without my Emmie. My baby Emmie who deserved to be here more than most! It is hell! I am living in hell. It’s a nightmare I can’t wake from. A nightmare breaking my heart over and over again. The most cruel part is that I dream every night that Emmie came home with us, that we have days out, chilled days in, newborn cuddles, even cracked nipples; oh what I would give to have sore cracked nipples. But then I wake and it was all a beautiful dream. I don’t know how to be without you Emmie. I don’t know how to hold myself. How to smile like I use to. How to feel, anything but pain. My eyes are swollen and puffy from crying but when someone asks “how are you doing” I reply “I’m fine” not wanting to express anything. I will never be the same person without you. I will never not be yearning for you. I will never ever stop loving you. Mummy loves you Emmie ❤️ forever and always!
Getting out in that fresh air definitely helps; I’m obviously in a very raw and utter heart wrenching grief period right now. But staying in the house and hiding from the world wasn’t helping. I got out for a walk (push around in my wheelchair) and it really helped. I’m still super sore and everything hurts but it was so lovely to get some family time in and be with Elara. This is probably the least “instagramable” photo ever posted to Instagram but it’s real life. I’m wearing a huge oversized T-shirt that just skims my swollen tummy and my maternity lounge wear. I’m trying to stay independent so slip on sandals are my go to. Hair in need of a wash scraped into a low pony but I have my SPF on and I’m relatively happy considering. I cannot explain to you how much it hurts to miss Emmie, to not have her with me is the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. My heart literally feels broken and I’m just on auto-pilot the majority of the time. No parent should ever have to lose a child, especially from such a horrific situation. I had an aneurysm on my spleens artery and lost 10 1/2 litres of blood; surgeons have no idea how I am still here. If it had ruptured at any other time and not whilst in labour there’s no question if I’d be here, it’s a given that I would have died. In some ways I think it would have been kinder given how much surgery and recovery this will take and losing my beautiful Emmie but ultimately I am glad I’m here and able to watch Elara grow up. Never take your health for granted. Tomorrow is not a given. 💔💔💔
Emmie Faye Cooper ❤️ Today we registered the birth and death of our beautiful girl ❤️ I wish more than anything that she was still here with us and it kills me every single day that I can’t give her just one more kiss or one more cuddle. Emmie was perfect. She was everything I ever imagined she would be, her white and auburn hair was just too perfect. I love you more than words can say baby girl ❤️
My beautiful Emmie. My heart aches for you every single day 💔 I wish more than anything that you could have stayed with us and joined our little family but you will never ever be forgotten and will always be loved! Forever and always little one 💔
Emmie Faye Cooper 25.04.21-02.05.21 One of the best and hardest weeks of my life! I will never ever forget you baby girl. You are perfect 💔💔💔
Definitely not the announcement I was hoping to make 😔 Emmie Faye Cooper- born 25th April by Emergency C- Section while Mummy was rushed into another Theatre for a Spleenic Artery Rupture. 3 Operations Later (Emergency c-section, exploring my body for my huge blood loss, discovery of my ruptured splenic artery and then another operation to stop further bleed) 17 units of blood transfused and a whole lot of stress and worry and we are here 5 days later and I’m able to hold my own head up. Emmie and myself are still super super poorly. Emmie was born not breathing and took 14 minutes to resuscitate after she was born and has hardly any brain function atm; we are hoping and praying that her brain swelling reduces and she improves (if you have any experience with this, please please, please reach out, I need to talk to you, mama to mama). My beautiful baby Emmie is the spit of her Big Sister Elara and Daddy and has Daddies beautiful Ginger hair. She has completed our family and we hope beyond anything else that she sticks around for many many wonderful years to come. I have waited for this little one for so long and my heart still yearns so desperately for her even though she’s now Earth side. I finally met her yesterday after 3 days of recovery. I woke up from my coma Monday and met my baby girl yesterday, I even got to hold her and feel that beautifully soft auburn baby hair and super soft skin. I love her with everything I have and it really is true; your love just grows to incorporate another one. Please keep my little Emmie Faye in your thoughts and prayers. I want to be home with my girls and their incredible daddy. Thank you for your huge outpouring of love and if you have any experience with baby brains please please dm me 🥰
Still waiting on little one 🥰 I’m so unbelievably excited to see her little face and have newborn squishy cuddles! I’m enjoying my last few days of tummy kicks and my bump. Feeling little one move around in my tummy is just the best and I will definitely miss it! What do you miss about being pregnant?
C’mon baby we’re all waiting on you! It was my due date yesterday and no matter how many midwifes told me I wouldn’t reach my due date, I knew I would. Elara was 9 days late and I’m thinking this baby will be the same. Every morning I wake up and look at our little set up and just wonder how little one is going to look 🥰 I’m so so ready for newborn cuddles. When do you think baby is coming?
Ad- Pr Sample. With my due date approaching (Saturday, eek) I have been using my @lolalykke_formums band to prevent back pain and support my tummy through these last few days! I am very ready for baby to arrive now! Please send me tips on how to get baby moving 😜
I’m so ready for you now baby 🥰 How cute is this little fox onesie and the little lamb and owl nappies? Too cute! Tap for brands! Did you dress your baby in outfits or were they in sleepsuits until a certain age?
I made my hair appointment 🥰 now I am fully ready for little one to arrive! Thank you @rachelreynoldshair for my new look!
Ad- Nesting and cleaning the house from top to bottom with @vaxcleanhome ready for our new addition 🥰 I am now 38 weeks pregnant and have just cleaned all the carpets and rugs in our home, everything is ready and I am about to pop. Check out my blog for a full review of the Amazing Vax Platinum Smartwash Carpet Cleaner 🥰 When did your little one arrive? Elara came 9 days late!
Today I’m officially near-term. 37 weeks of growing you baby girl and we’re all so excited to meet you 🥰 I’m at that stage of pregnancy where everything is uncomfortable and baby girl is super super low. She could arrive any day now. I think she’s going to arrive later like her big sister though 😂 When do you think she’ll arrive? ❤️
My new Bloom & Wild flowers and a 36 week bump! I love having fresh flowers in the house 🥰 my go to place for flowers is @bloomandwild so convenient when they get posted straight through your letter box. You can also get £10 off your order by using the link in my bio and I get £10 off too! Joining in with @the.mama.project #themamaprojectchallenge Flowers